chronic daily headaches · chronic illness · chronic pain · my journey · spoonie · spoonie life · struggle · this is my journey

What’s This Feeling I Feel?

Is it anger? Resentment? Envy?

Maybe a mixture of all three?

I don’t really have the right to feel any of them, honestly. I’m angry because it’s like I took three steps forward and ten steps backward. I’m filled with resentment because my peers are out drinking, socializing, and filling their lives with excitement on their days off, while I’m sitting inside brainstorming and researching ways to bring my pain down even just a notch. I envy people who can do things even as simple as sit around the dinner table with their families and only worry about when to get up for seconds in order to not miss out on the really good food everyone wants to devour.

I should replace my anger with disappointment, my resentment with understanding and my envy with good will. I just need to remind myself that I’m allowed to be disappointed and frustrated at my situation, but never angry. I can’t be angry because today I woke up, opened my eyes and kept on going. I can’t resent others for doing what I wish I could be. We were all given different battles to fight, and I have to understand that my battle is just different than my friends battles. I shouldn’t be envious, because I know I have good things in my life too. I should be happy that my friends are able to enjoy a life without constant physical pain. I never want to drag anyone and would never wish my situation upon even my worst enemy. I think it’s alright for me to be jealous every once in a while, because I’m only human. But I will try to push envy away from my side when I can.

 

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