It’s a heavy, unsettling feeling when I think back on all of the instances I’ve shut myself in my room or found a place where I could be alone without worry just so I could sit alone with my anxious, bitter, and angry thoughts. It’s been years since my life with a constant pounding head has began and I fear it’ll be years before I ever see that change.
I go through spells, you see. I’ll be doing really well mentally–even if I’m not doing so physically. I’ll put on my front for people that I care about and turn my mind to other things so that I can enjoy life, like I’m supposed to. Sometimes, I even feel OK. But then, as if it’s a routine I’ve made for myself, I hit my spells where I feel it’s best to pretend to be hermit-like. I use the word pretend to make myself feel better.
The same people who make my life brighter and with whom I enjoy my best moments with, are the same people I tend to push away or block off when I’m at my darkest. It’s a terrible habit I don’t recommend picking up, but that I know I’m not alone in possessing.
I retreat into my lonely “why me” world. I have no desire to see anyone or get out of bed, really. It’s a sinking feeling that I’m not sure quite how to describe in words. The people who care about me tell me to let them in, to open up and talk to them. They tell me they hate that I feel like I have to seclude myself and not speak about how I’m feeling or what I’m enduring. They say they can’t imagine how hard it must be to fight this daily battle and feel the headaches I feel every single day.
The thing is, I would love nothing more than to want to open up and talk in those moments. For everyone who has someone in their lives who is battling some kind of fight and acts like I have described myself above, please know, it’s not a choice we make. We don’t like putting up walls, it’s just in our nature.
“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”
― Socrates quotes
I hate that I block people off and push people away in these moments. It’s a double edged sword for me. I don’t feel like talking about my pain, but I also don’t want my support group to feel like I don’t want to talk to them. There’s no winning really in this back and forth game.
All I can say to the people who I’ve kept out with by putting up these walls is, please never stop trying to knock down those walls. Even when I push you away with all I’ve got, even when I seem like I’ve lost the ability to speak, even when I come across like all I want is to be left alone–please never forget that it’s just in my nature to go through these spells and that the last thing I want for you to feel, is unwanted.