chronic daily headaches · chronic illness · chronic pain · spoonie · spoonie support · writing

“How To Live Well With Chronic Pain & Illness” Chapter 3 Summary: Asking For Help Can Be Your Gift To Others

“No one has ever become poor by giving”

-Anne Frank

This chapter discusses something I, personally, have always struggled with–asking others for help.

Too often I feel like a burden on other people when my headaches are especially bad. I don’t want to be an even bigger burden by asking for favors and assistance.

What we need to learn, as people with medical conditions, is that we cannot get through this journey of ours alone. We need assistance every once in a while and we have to learn that it’s OK to ask for help.

Toni Bernhard outlines a few steps that you can take in order to teach yourself how to ask for help and being ok with it at the same time:

  1. “Make a list of what you need help with.” For me, this is often tasks such as making me food, running out to get more meds, bringing me a wet cloth for my head, cleaning up for me, etc. Tasks that normally I can handle on my own, but when my head is over a 7/10, I definitely need help completing. Toni makes a good point that we tend to think that our loved ones should just know what we need help with–that we shouldn’t have to ask and outline it. I have a few loved ones who will tell you I’m guilty of this one big time. Even with close family members and my significant other, I have to remind myself that they still may not know what exactly I need in a certain moment. What is helpful to me one time, may not be helpful to me in another time. They can’t read our minds and we shouldn’t expect them to.
  2. Match the tasks you need help with to your comfort level with them completing the task. Things like running errands are less intimate than perhaps staying with you in bed and helping calming your anxieties.
  3. Be direct–don’t be passive aggressive. Don’t beat around the bush, be direct when asking for what you need help with. People will appreciate that much more than trying to get them to offer to do the task without you asking.

 

In my experiences, my loved ones just want to help me feel better. Often, I’ve seen them get frustrated because they feel like they can’t do anything to help me. Little tasks that I can’t complete on my own when I’m feeling especially crappy, are ways to help them feel more helpful to me. They can’t cure me (I wish,) they can’t explain why my headaches happen (I wish,) and they can’t make my headaches any less than what they are (trust me, I wish.) But they can help me get through my day by lending a hand when and where I need it.

We as people with chronic illnesses and medical conditions live with daily physical challenges. It’s perfectly ok to ask for help and accept help offered to us to help us get through those challenges.

 

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