When you live with a chronic illness or condition, you find that there is never a shortage of things to complain about. However, this chapter focuses on how to acknowledge those complaints and be mindful of those we have control over and those we do not.
The author in this chapter tells us to separate our complaints into three parts: (1) complaints involving circumstances over which we have no control; (2) complaints involving circumstances over which we might have some control; (3) complaints involving circumstances over which we have total control. She then writes about each separate part, which I will summarize below:
So many things in our life happen out of our control. While we can’t change what happens, we are able to change how we respond to those circumstances. Complaining about facts and situations that are true and out of our control only causes us additional and unnecessary suffering–which we do not need more of. The author then quoted the Thai Buddhist monk Ajahn Chah and I loved the quote:
If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let got a lot, you will have a lot of peace. If you let go completely, you will know complete peace and freedom. Your struggles with the world will have come to an end.
While I like this quote, it’s also easier said than done: letting go, that is. So when you find yourself just unable to let it go, instead, just let it be.
Some examples of complaints that are under our partial control were: friends who don’t call often, a complaining partner, and the presence of physical pain. She suggests looking for “skillful actions” that can help ease the stress that this complaint is causing. For example, finding new ways of communicating with your partner, looking for pain clinics and new doctors, and picking up the phone to call and reach out to your friend yourself.
Total control is almost non-existent for people with chronic illness and pain, even sometimes for people without it as well. Out of the list of complaints that she gave as examples, she was unable to categorize any of them into the total control category.
I will leave you with this, my favorite words of hers from this chapter: “Complaining is a habit that clouds our ability to see that most of our complaints involve circumstances over which we have little or no control.”
Complaining is natural. I, for one, complain much more often that I should. I have an extremely hard time letting things go. It’s one of my biggest flaws. But more recently. I have acknowledged this within myself and have been actively trying to let things go and let things be, since I know I have very little or no control over the vast majority of things I tend to complain about.