Hope For Progress, Rather Than Fear The Disappointment 

I have gone through months where I’ve effectively given up, only to give myself a wide wake up call that I needed to pick myself out of my funk and continue to try to find an effective treatment. No matter how walls I ran into and how many failed attempts there were, I had to keep trying.
I hope that you keep fighting to find an effective treatment. Or if you’re in a funk and you’ve lost hope, that you find the strength to try again. Because hope is the only thing stronger than fear. Hope that there is a treatment out there, rather than the fear of never finding an answer.

Tuesday’s Tunes: “Titanium” covered by Jasmine Thompson

You shoot me down, but I won’t fall.

I am titanium.

This song makes me feel a lot of feels. It makes me feel strong, yet fragile. It makes me feel confident, yet vulnerable.

It’s a great song to listen to when you need reassurance that you’ll get back up after a nasty fall, or maybe when you’re feeling shorted by people around you.

Jasmine Thompson does really beautiful cover versions of many songs, but this is one of my favorites. She kind of has this hauntingly, beautiful, soft voice that gives this song something special.

 

 

Tackle Your Tuesday 

  
It’s the first day of March, y’all! Where the heck does time goooo (cue the cliche reminiscing and questioning of how time flies so fast)
For me, February was a month of stress, anxiety, ER visits, painful and long headaches, and lots of trying to keep myself positive. 

Well, this month I am going to try my best to remind myself every single that that no matter what happens, that things will work out. Even if things seem scary, overwhelming or impossible, things will work out. 

Gotta keep the faith and battle on 🌸✨ 

What’s the Word? 💭

  
What’s The Word? 💭

🔅jaunty 

A word I used to describe myself in the following way: majority of the time, I believe myself to be a genuinely cheerful, lively, and confident person. Proud of who I am and not afraid to show it in a positive way to those around me. ✌🏼️😊💃🏼 But then there are the times I force myself to appear this way. Where I fraudulently come off as jaunty, when behind closed doors my head is throbbing, my mind is racing, and my frustration is bubbling.
Even people who are truly happy, lively, bubbly, and confident can face hardships and times where even when they aren’t feeling jaunty on the inside, force themselves to show it on the outside to avoid questions/judgement from others, or just to make themselves feel better. 

Spoonies know this to be true. Sometimes our disposition is organically happy and lively–representative of a version of ourselves we are proud to be. And sometimes behind our smiles is something we try never to show–physical and emotional pain we try so hard to battle against. 

Tackle Your Tuesday 

 

image taken from tumblr. not my own image

 
Even when you hit your lowest point, take some time to recharge and then get back to fighting. Putting in effort time and time again even at our weakest will pay off way more than if we just throw in the towel and call it quits. I’ve tried both, and I never saw myself grow or progress even the slightest when I chose to give up.

Keep fighting, you beautiful soldiers. 🌺💪🏼🌺

Through Hardship Comes A Good Story: My Writing Space

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to literally stop what I’m doing, find a notebook, open up a word doc, or start a new note on my phone during times of physical, mental, and emotional struggle. Yes, I often write when I’m happy and have good news to share. Or because something great happened to me that I always want to remember.

But my best writing happens when I truly cannot understand why something has happened, or why I’m feeling a certain way. It happens when I need to try to create an understanding or an answer for myself that I’m not getting anywhere else.

I’ve been doing a lot of good writing lately (toot my own horn, much?) and I owe it all to my headaches. Well, I do have to give credit to all the other health issues I’m dealing with at the same time, also.

It’s been hard to figure out why my pain level has been so consistently high lately. It’s been hard to understand and explain to people the thoughts going on in my head during all of this. It’s also been hard to talk about why my emotions and demeanor have been so completely the opposite of the happy, talkative, weird person most know me to be.

And because of that inability to verbalize it all, I write about. It not only helps me piece together the puzzle that is my life (or at least helps me make a valiant effort at doing so,) but I think it also helps friends and family understand a little bit more about me and journey than they did before.

I find that writing during hardships we face help us get through those hardships in one piece. I find it helps me learn more about myself. And I always feel better when I place the last punctuation mark on my piece than I did before I started.

For example, just the other day, I didn’t find it necessary to leave bed. Curled up, took long naps, felt like “what was the point?” My head hurt too bad for me to do anything fun, so instead I wallowed in bed. Eventually, I forced myself up (or rather my dire need to pee did,) and took my computer outside in the 60 degree winter, opened my laptop, and started writing. I am not lying when I say that it was therapeutic. No, it can’t cure me. No, it won’t solve all my problems. And no, I can’t say I felt truly “myself” afterwards. But guess what, I felt a hell of a lot better.

Writing Space

Song of the Week: “Lean on Me”–Bill Withers

 

If there is a load
You have to bear that you can’t carry
I’m right up the road, I’ll share your load
If you just call me

This song of the week is for all of the people who have stood next to me in this health journey of mine. For the people who said without hesitation “lean on me,” “I’m here for you,” “how can I help?” For the people who have helped me carry the load when I’m too weak to carry it alone.For the people who ask how my doctor visits are going (if they’re not there themselves), who check in to see how I’m feeling that week and if I’ve made any progress. For the people who will read this and know without a doubt that they’re the ones I’m talking about. The ones who whether they’re sitting beside me, or sitting miles away in another state, are there when I need someone.

This song is also for all of the people like me,  on my side of the journey. The ones who have felt troubled, pained, sorrowed, and frustrated (aka every single one of you.) For the ones who have needed someone to lean on. For the people who too often let their pride get in the way of asking for help. To the fighters.

 

World Cancer Day

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 My dad and his mother, my Grandma Joan, some odd years ago. 

This is a picture of family. Of happiness. Of strong Italian looks. Of love. Of a fighter.
My grandma Joan’s love for life and all of its treasures was evident to me even at my young age of 7 or 8. I remember her vibrant jewelry, unique yet classic sense of fashion, her soothing voice, her “I need seconds immediately” spinach lasagna, and her warm smile.

What I don’t remember though, was her showing any signs of weakness or illness when she was around me. What I don’t remember was at any time seeing my Grandma Joan surrender to her cancer.

I was too young to truly know what was going on at the time. If my parents told me about it, I don’t remember. Chances are I was in my head somewhere, daydreaming as children so often do at that age. Even as I was taken to visit her in the hospital, I remember clearly that I had no idea why she was sick. I didn’t know what cancer meant or what it did. I just couldn’t figure out what had happened.
My Grandma Joan lost her battle to colon cancer before I got the chance to really get to know her and learn from her. Before I got to be of age where I could learn how to make her famous meatballs and sauce, from the great chef herself. Before I was old enough to retain stories she had about acting, dancing, and meeting all the eccentric and interesting people I’m sure she met. I know I listened to her– as children listen to their elders–because I’ll tell ya, even as tiny as she was, people knew not to mess with her. (I like to think that part of my gumption and strong backbone is due to her) But I was never old enough to truly listen to her. I missed out on stories I’m sure she would’ve told me about my dad’s childhood and her childhood as well. Stories that I would be able to share as I got older.

Now, I’d like to say that my Grandma Joan is the only person in my family who has been affected by cancer. I’d like to say that none of my friends have lost a grandparent or relative due to cancer, like I have.

Sadly, I can’t say those things.

You see, cancer isn’t like other evils. It doesn’t discriminate by age, gender, race, etc. It doesn’t care if you’re ready for it or not. 


However, cancer doesn’t know that people who face it, are the toughest people out there.

Some win their battles, thankfully. But some like my grandma, do not.

The fact is, no one should ever have to face that battle in the first place. No one should ever have to be put to that test.


I pray that cancer stops striking down on people. I hope that all people battling cancer are able to say that they defeated the beast. But mostly, I pray that one day in my lifetime I see a cure for an evil that is all too prevalent in this world.

 

What’s the Word: Generate

  
To cause to arise or come about.

Any spoonie knows that a lot of the journey involves waiting around for a diagnosis, test results, treatments, answers, and seeing if treatments are even working. Sometimes (too often) doctors can’t figure us out. 

We wait around for positive things to happen in a world where we run into so many road blocks.

Sometimes, though, it’s up to us to take control of our own journey. Be the captain of your own ship, as they say. 

We need to generate positivity in our lives. If we wait around for the positive things to happen to us, they rarely will. 

This is your journey–you’ll be amazed what you can do with it when you put your back into it. 

Monday Mantra 

  
Trying to adopt this and implement it in all aspects of my life today, next week, and beyond. 

Fear is inevitable (for most people. Superman, Morgan freeman, and Chuck Norris excluded, obvs). There’s nothing wrong with feeling fear. It doesn’t make you weak or inferior. It makes you human. Don’t let people tell you to not be afraid. Frankly, because no one else besides you knows what you’re up against.

However, don’t let that fear take over your life. Instead, let it fuel your fire and push you toward learning how to strike that fear from your life.

Don’t let fear hault your progress. Don’t let fear make you stop in your tracks, because what’s life if not a journey? Fear is just a small part of it.