Pain. We all feel it. It could be short lasting or seemingly never-ending. We get hurt, we cry, we heal.
My pain is constant. The throbbing sometimes has mercy and I feel “fine.” Other times, it’s relentless and merciless. This past week has been a week of the relentless kind of pain.
On my good days, I go to bed with a headache and wake up with one, but on my good days I am not bothered by it because the pain is so minimal that I’m able to wake up with a smile. On my bad days I go to sleep with a 7/10 headache and wake up with a 7/10 headache, or worse. I’ve been having more bad days than good, lately. It’s extremely frustrating. It’s more frustrating than people can imagine. It’s so frustrating that sometimes, it’s all I can think about. I can be with my friends, and I’m thinking about how my pain is never-ending. I can be in church, and I’m dozing off to think about how my pain won’t let up. It occupies all of my mind and energy.
It bums me out when I have to cancel plans because I feel crappy. It bums me out even when I didn’t even have plans, but I know that I’ll be staying in even if I wanted to make plans. It bums me out to know that I’m no where near as healthy as my peers and even so, no where near as healthy as I, my chronically ill self, have felt before.
It can be hard to go to sleep and tell yourself to begin the next day with an open and optimistic mind, when every day feels like the same broken record playing over and over again.
Even though it’s hard though, I try my best every single day to remind myself to have a better mindset. I remind myself to attempt to shut off my feelings of “but tomorrow I’ll probably feel awful again,” and instead try to turn on my feelings of “but tomorrow, what if I feel even just a little bit better.”